Don't panic!

During my late stay in Berlin I had to buy new socks. That seemed easy enough as the hotel stood in the centre of the city. So on a saturday, full of energy, I walked to a store nearby to buy two pairs of socks.

No being willing to spend too much time on such a minor issue, I decided to ask one of the members of the staff. I had just met a German idiot. And this is when it all started.

“Why do you want to know where the socks are?”

“Because I want to buy some” Is there any other reason to ask I wondered.

“That won’t be that easy, I’ll call my manager.”

I was quite puzzle about what I had done wrong. Her boss arrived.

“So you’re insulting my employee!”

“I’m not insulting anyone I just asked where the socks were.”

“I won’t tolerate this. I’m going to call the police.”

And a few minutes later the police came in.

“He’s insulting my salespeople” the boss screamed.

This story was getting on my nerves already so I replied.

“This place has 5 CCTV per square meter can we go and watch the video?”

The director obviously surprised had no choice but to agree. So we went to the security room and they played the tape.

I saw myself entering the building and talking to the lady.

“There you see” she cried “He’s smiling in a suspicious way.”

Now here is a serious crime. Smiling. And on top of that in a suspicious way.

I laughed.

“And he’s carrying a bag. He’s a terrorist.”

Well that one at least made sense, I was indeed carrying a sport bag. Now a monkey could have noticed that it was mostly empty.

“What’s in your bag sir?” Questioned one of the cops.

“My costume I’m just coming back from the laundry. Do you want to check?”

“No that won’t be necessary sir.”

And they left. Needless to say that I didn’t pay for the socks.

GD

After the cows, the chicken, the lamb, the pig (feel free to complete the list) we thought we might actually survive for 3 months without any major epidemic coming but imagine what would happen to the pharmaceutical industry. No worldwide danger will definitely result in Government cutting back on their vaccine spendings to focus on reducing their deficits, which would have a negative impact on the dividends paid to the shareholders.

Luckily the UK knows that it has a debt to settle to the stock owners. BP used to distribute cash the way only oil companies can but they are now facing a still unknown number of billions increase of their costs due to the leak in the Gulf of Mexico. The Queen being a nice girl she decided to help the Florida pensioners on the spot (actually both events are probably not correlated, I just think the idea is fun).

But how?

By finding a new super bacteria that resist every treatment of course. One more wave of panic and we will all rush to the nearest drug store paying any price to save our dear lives.

Be afraid. Contrary to the above mentioned enemies. Bacteria are invisible and everybody knows that an invisible foe is a dangerous one. We met our nemesis. They are going to destroy us. We are going to die (It has not started yet but wait it is coming).

To the last I survived 35 Doomsday and 23 deadly pandemic without taking any precaution but I noticed that the panic communication is very powerful.

Humanity has been around for 7 million years and I do not think it will disappear next w eek.

So as the title of this blog says.

Don't panic!

GD

The extract above comes from the following article:

http://www.lemonde.fr/planete/article/2010/08/13/des-super-bacteries-dans-les-valises-du-tourisme-medical_1398660_3244.html

As mentioned in a previous message, I was expecting a lot from the A-Team movie. The trailer itself should be shown in the Museum of Human Stupidity for future generations to remember how Hollywood committed suicide. However no matter how bad a trailer might be it rarely says a lot about the movie. So I went to watch A-Team earlier this week to know whether a good movie had been victim of a bad trailer (after they have Liam Neeson in it).

I must say the result turned out to be even worse than everything I imagined. I started to laugh at the first second of the movie and could not stop. I had not seen such a razzie in a long time (I happen to enjoy to a bad movie once in a while for a good laugh).

The first scene with Hannibal must have been thought by some kind of genius who confuses the A-Team and McGiver (as well as Hannibal and Face). As far as I know Hannibal cannot open handcuffs and the piece of metal is using is neither flexible nor properly shaped.

I laughed my head off when I saw BA driving an orange Ferrari (Magnum come back they are nuts) to recover his stolen truck. Highly philosophical stuff.

This was followed by "Ranger tattoo contest" between "I like when a plan comes together" and his subordinate to be. Now I have travelled quite extensively but I have never met anyone considering a tattoo as a proof of identity. It seems Rangers do (might explain why they let Chuck Norris in).

I cannot go through all the movie like this but I maintain that the tank is the bast actor in the whole thing. If like me you like to see how low Human Intelligence can fall to be reassured about your mental skills. I do advise you to watch it.

GD

After a few crazy weeks, now is time for me to inform you about my last encounters with idiots. I have been interviewing quite a few candidates for my new team and it turned out that idiots are trying to get a job from me.

Due to the lateness I took with that blog, I am only going to give a few highlights.

One of my colleague on the recruitment side tried to organize my team during an interview. He wanted me to give the applicants holidays between Christmas and New Year. One more genius who does not know what accounting is about. Has this guy ever heard about a yearly closing? He even escalated the issue to the management saying that "No really, you know, it's not that I want to interfere in something that's none of my business but 6 months without holidays it's too long." Luckily I had taken preventive actions on that one and the management agreed that it was indeed long but necessary to ensure that the new team was launched successfully. They added that as long as the candidates were informed and gave their consent it was not a problem.

But do not worry, the applicants are not better than the recruiter.

After I presented the job, I asked one of them if she had questions. "Yes" she answered and she started "What are you doing now?" I replied "What you'll be doing for Germany, I'm currently doing for the Netherlands" Her turn "How long have you been doing that?" "One year and a half" "That seems rather short to me for you to take this responsibility." Now that is a good one, I answered this question already when I was selected. Given that I am the one hiring she should probably consider that I did not do that bad.

Another candidate interrupted me while I described the position "I've red the offer." Well I hope he did, he applied after all but there are few things missing it. I know I wrote the offer and the blanks were left on purpose. We keep going on with the interview. I start a sentence to explain what accounting is about (Debit in an account is a credit in another one...) "I know that already". Too bad he was unable to put it into practice when I gave him the test. While leaving he told me "I'm sorry my accounting is a bit rusty." First of all it was not rusty it was non-existent, and second if I were him I would be more worried about my politeness than my accounting skills. None of the people have selected have experience in the field but at least they behaved properly.

A third applicant (unemployed for 6 months now) sent me an E-mail 18 minutes before his interview to inform me that due to some family emergency he could not come and would like when the next interview will be scheduled? Well never 18 minutes before the interview you should be drinking coffee somewhere in the area. If you actually have a problem go to the reception and I will see what we can do. 

A fourth and last example and I will stop this chronicle. An idiot sent me an E-mail that could be translated like this "Hi bastard, bastard I am French like you and my girlfriend told me you were hiring for a job for germany and so. I am a bit doing nothing in Buda since three years. I had interview but nonothing. Even a french guy refused to take. Can you take me bastard? I kind of manage a bit in German so I can help. I'm French and in deep shit. I need to get my hand on some cash bastard." Yeah sure I will take you, you exactly look like the kind of person I need to end up in trouble. Really the problem was not that he was French the problem was his French. I just hope for him it was a joke because I made him some great publicity in the hiring community.

GD

Another story about the fun and somehow depressing life in a call-center.

A Germany firm signed a deal with the company I work for to have some of its activities outsourced. I was requested to take up the responsibility of building a team. The project here will be kicked off on December the 1st.

Okay so here is the list of to-do things.

Hire the future team members, let them go through our new comer training, teach them the basics of what their job will be. Taking off for Berlin is planned on the 23rd of August. Then we'll be on training there until the end of November when we fly back. The next six months look like heavy on the workload side but I can do it no problem. That is except if idiots get involved and of course they did

So on wednesday we had our fist call with the customer.

After the usual introduction session, we started to talk business.

One of the manager responsible for the project came with the first point.

"We need laptops."

Until then I felt safe. That was an obvious statement quite a good way to start. Nice and easy I thought.

That's when everything turned into a disaster.

The idiot queen spoke.

"Why do we need laptops?"

The manager smashed her.

"Because we can't go to Berlin with desktops."

I imagined that would settle the matter. I should have known better. They walk among us. Really.

The idiot queen decided to be impressed by such an answerr.

"Can't they work on desktops in Berlin?"

True, we should consider asking the paying client to provide us with the tools so we can work. 

Bloody hell, they're on the call can't she just shut up?

My turn to play the bad cop role.

"We'll be outside of the country for 3 months. We'll very likely have to work in the hotel therefore we need laptop."

But you know them. Idiots don't give up so easily. And of course the idiot queen ranks very high in their hierarchy. Obviously she had to strike back.

"Lots of people here work with desktops."

Yeah go ahead you person of a limited intellect. Tell them we work with machine from the 13th century.

The Germans raised an eyebrow on that one.

"GD does everyone in your current team work with desktops?"

Blast. Why are they asking me? Well better than the idiot queen.

"We have two left but we're getting rid of them. The laptops to replace them have been ordered already."

Idiot queen refused to let it go.

"In that case", She added as if anyone still cared about her opinion "I want to say that we have currently no laptop in stock. So we'll have to borrow them form other departments."

We ended the call after that. I imagine the customer must be quite depressed now.

As mentioned at the beginning of this text, I work in a call center. At least 10 people (half of them using laptops) leave the company every month. High turn over comes with this kind of environment. So I sent the idiot queen an E-mail suggesting that we request the laptops we need from the people moving out of the company.

She refused saying that SHE WILL BORROW THESE LAPTOPS FROM ANOTHER DEPARTMENT (she actually capitalized this part of her mail) and might consider going for my idea once she has exhausted all the other resources (she didn't capitalized that). I didn't reply but I imagine that once these laptops will have been given to other people, they won't turn them to me so my team can work.

I think we have a fun story on our hands there. I'll let you know.

GD

In the idiots ruled France there is a race of people, the President really doesn't like. They're called journalists. You know the guys who report the news. Sometimes they even gather evidence about their claims to avoid lawsuits as they are supposed to tell the truth. Weird people really.

So this is what happened. A few months ago the French President got angry right before an interview and the video of the event leaked out (it is here http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5yyb9_sarkozy-en-off-sur-france-3_news).

As the country is governed by idiots, they gathered together and decided to do something about it. Come on it's giving a bad image of the power that be and there are professionals who are paid handsomely to do it. To prevent a global crisis in the field of political consulting they came with a brilliant idea. Let's sue the journalist.

Cool idea screamed the idiots in awe. But what for? The scene actually took place. Quite simple: let's sue him for holding the tape. What kind of democracy would accept a journalist to have proof of what he's saying?

Everybody applauded.

Now the journalist has been brought to the police station and should be facing judgement in no time.

GD

PS This text is based on the article here  

http://www.liberation.fr/medias/0101640886-propos-hors-antenne-de-sarkozy-un-journaliste-de-rue89-mis-en-examen

PPS It should also be noted that the same French President threatened to sue a journalist for lack of proof as written here

http://tempsreel.nouvelobs.com/dossier/medias-pouvoirs/20080207.OBS9445/nic olas-sarkozy-porte-plainte-contre-nouvelobs-com.html

As mentioned several times already the office where I work is filled with idiots. So here is their last achievement. One of my colleagues writes porn, which in itself is not a big deal. Until you send some 200 pages of adult rated stuff to the company printer and it crashes. As if it was not bad enough, the printing machine gives you away. Dear Mr XYZ your printing job encountered a problem at page 45.

Unluckily the company is full of people who stand for moral order and defend the printer toner with their life if it comes to it. No one shall use the company cartridge for non-business purposes and survive it. Therefore one of the idiots guild members of our floor went and turned my writer colleague to his manager.

The manager is a man with a quite a sense of drama so he decided to make an example of the rebellious writer. To achieve that he interrupted everybody's work asked the victim of the broken printer to stand forward and demanded an explanation about the 150 unrecovered pages of undesirable prose.

My colleague turned red and started sweating.

Now try to talk your way out of this one.

GD

One of the greatest challenges with working in a call center is that idiots live there in higher proportions that anywhere on this Earth (Governments excluded let's be honest).

So we have this local representative of the idiots guild in the office and everyday he works hard on spreading dumbness in his environment. Unluckily enough we then have to suffer his opinion about the political situation around the World.

Today being today, he thought it was his duty to enlighten us about the situation between North Korea and South Korea. He argued that the report of the United Nations had been forged by a group of aliens who came from Mars to prevent us from entering the Communist Paradise. That's when I left the chat.

Admit it you had never heard that one before.

GD